Ep. 285

How to Get Fit When Your Family Doesn’t Share Your Goals

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how to get fit when your family doesn’t share your goals losing weight when your partner isn’t dieting weight loss and relationships family meals for weight loss portion control at dinner how to stop snacking at home managing snack cravings

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Leo Alves Podcast. And in today's podcast episode, I'm going to speak to you about how to get fit when your family doesn't share your goals. Well, your family or your friends could be either one, both work in this scenario. I've got about 10 questions here in front of me. In no particular order, we could say, they are pretty common questions.

I've either-- They're either pretty common questions I've been asked throughout my life, or they're asked-- they're questions that maybe are a bit less common, but I've been asked quite recently, so I feel like they, they could be a bit more relevant today.

Same Meals Different Portions

And I think with that said, let's just get stuck straight in. So question number one: My partner doesn't want to lose weight. Do we need to eat different meals? And there's a-- The, the thing is, what I want to make clear before I get stuck into all these questions is, like, each question, there, there's so many ways you could take each thing now, and I'm just going to share what comes to my mind and and I want to make it clear, like this isn't a be all and end all answer.

There's pr-- I'm sure there's going to be more nuance. It could depend on your specific scenario s- as to what's going on there as in, what could impact my answer. But I'm going to speak on more general terms and what I would say, for example, one thing that comes to mind is like, okay, you could still have the same meals. Well, maybe just this just portions or extras.

So for example, let's say you said your partner doesn't want to lose weight. Okay, maybe you could have smaller portions than your partner. That could be something you consider. Or instead of, you know, your partner maybe gets a side of, I don't know, rice and beans, maybe you could have beans and salad, for example. Like small things can be adjusted, I think the thing is I understand the simplicity of having the same meals, but… And I and the thing is there's a lot of enjoyment that comes with that as well, right?

It's nice to bond together over having the same food. But I think the thing is fat loss isn't just going to come down to the foods that you choose, and that is an important aspect of it, of course, but it's also, like I said at the beginning, it's going to come down to portion sizing too. And I think if you can master the portion sizes and then maybe, like, the sides that you're potentially having with it, that's something that you can think about.

And then, you know, when it comes to cooking, because you're having the same meals potentially and, the reason why you're asking this is because I'm assuming you often have the same meals. Like, you could reduce maybe the amount of butter that you use or the amount of oil that you use, or maybe your partner likes to have a lot of sauce. Maybe that sauce is quite calorie dense.

Maybe you could have less sauce or use a different sauce. There are so many different tweaks that you can still make to your own meal, where you're not having something completely different to your partner. You can suit it both to your preferences and to your goals, where I think it still

Snacking In A Snacky House

makes things easier within the household. Question number two: How do I stop snacking when my family always has snacks in the house? And I think this is such a common thing I hear time and, time again. I-if it's not family, it's r- it's like housemates or friends. I think this is so common. I've had clients, one-on-one online fitness members who have had this question in the past where, they will say, "Oh, you know, I'm living with housemates, and it's a bit tough because we share our food with each other, and they always have snacks."

I think first of all, noticing when your snacking happens could be quite helpful. So is it after work or is it while cooking or is it in front of the television when you're watching TV? Because I think sometimes when we understand the initial trigger to our snacking, that could potentially help. Where, you know, because you get home from work and you just want something quick because you're quite exhausted.

If you recognize that, oh, maybe that's why I'm reaching for the snack after work when I get home, maybe you could have something else ready in place for when you get back from work. That's something to think about. Which brings me nicely onto my next point. I think, okay, you've got a lot of snacks at your, you know, that's maybe not in line with your goals in the house, right?

Because other people are bringing them into the house. What about if you bring into the house snacks that are nutritious? Fruits. I don't want to say vegetables, like some people like to snack on vegetables. I would say that's not most people especially if you're struggling with this situation. But you could, you know, okay, i-if you do like that, then great, snack on vegetables as well. But like fruit something high in fiber I you know what?

Could you have like a high-fiber cereal? Maybe put like some, some mixed berries in there. Like I'm just throwing out ideas here. You don't have to have that, okay? But if you can keep snacks that you also enjoy that are also good for you within reach too you're going to make life easier for yourself, because instead of automatically reaching for maybe the high sugar, high fat, high salt option that is always there, that other people are bringing in, you're gonna say, "Okay, I want a snack right now, but you know what?

I don't have to have that calorie-dense option. I could have the option that's lower in calories, higher in fiber, maybe higher in protein." You could have a protein bar as well, for example. Like that could make it easier, for example. Have that within reach, have a good portion of them. I think also what's worth bearing in mind too is before you snack, ask yourself, are you genuinely hungry?

If you're actually hungry, then you know what? Maybe just have a proper meal, high in protein, high in fiber. And of course it depends. You know, like sometimes we've had a proper meal, but we're still hungry, and then you don't wanna have a second proper meal, right? But that is something to consider as well. I feel like sometimes a lot of snacking happens because we often tell ourselves we can't have something too, and when we keep telling ourselves, "I can't have that, I can't have that, I can't have that," and then all of a sudden you're like, "You know what?

I can't be bothered to have this like iron level of willpower anymore. I'm just gonna have it," and you go all out on it. I think sometimes just telling yourself, "You know what? I can have it if I want, but I'm going to wait 15 minutes first." And if after 15 minutes you still want it, then have it. And funnily enough, you would be surprised as to how effective that can be because It just works.

Sometimes just waiting works. It sounds like it's, Like, sometimes you'd be surprised. It's not like these magical hacks we need. Sometimes it's a bit of just going right back to the basics, where you're just telling yourself, "I'm gonna wait 15 minutes." It works more than you could imagine. And I think sometimes giving yourself that permission as well is quite nice too, because I think a lot of, not always, for sure not always, but a lot of over-snacking does sometimes come on the back of having deprived yourself

Gym Time Without Guilt

of something for so long, because then it's like floodgates opening, right? Question number three: Is it selfish to go to the gym when it means less time with my partner or kids? I think this is a really fantastic question because it's like that dilemma, right? A few things come to mind. I think Pick gym times around shared responsibilities. That's where my first thought process goes. Like, okay, can you go to the gym while the kids are at school?

That's something to consider, right? Because then you don't have to pick time with the kids or at the gym. Oh, they're at school. It's not like I can spend time with them right now anyway. Let me get my workout done right now. Or like they're after school club, or when they're, I don't know, with a family member. Or I don't know. It's just something to consider, and I think planning your workouts ahead…

What that does mean is that when these occasions do arise, when they're away, like you going to the gym or doing your workout has to be a non-negotiable, right? Like you have to get it done. Of course it is important that your partner gets time for their own priorities too. What I also think of, two other things come to mind is, a lot of people think that for a workout to be effective, for example, is like they need one hour.

They need an hour's workout. And that's not inherently true. You can still have an effective workout in 30 minutes. Twenty minutes if you're really stuck on time, and you might be hearing this and think, "Why would I just do a 20-minute workout?" Like it's still better than a zero-minute workout because you're not doing it at all or because you think you need an hour. Like do barbell deadlifts and, I don't know, barbell overhead presses, for example.

Like that's, three sets of those two exercises to failure. Just like you think that's going to do nothing? That's still going to do quite a lot. And like I said, it's much more effective than zero, right? I used to train quite a lot of clients when I was doing one-on-one personal training sessions for just 20 to 30 minutes because that's what they had. So that's what they would pay me for.

And like you best believe I would like do two or three full body like compound exercises and it… You-- They would see progress after months. Like they were getting stronger, they were seeing progress because like I said, it's much better than zero. And the key is obviously with that is to actually be consistent with it, and I would say show up at least a couple of times a week.

Something to think about also, what can you work out at home? If you can't buy some-- If you don't have any equipment, maybe consider buying some equipment because when you can work out at home as a nice option, you don't have to commute all the way to the gym. Sometimes the commute can take, I don't know, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, for example. What that… And that's one way, and then you have to double it when you include the way back.

That can be a lot of time maybe you don't want to spend, that's a way. So maybe consider getting some gym equipment for the house if you have space for it. So that's definitely something to consider as well. And with that, you can work out right in front of them too, which I also think is a good thing actually, because s- them seeing you work out as they're growing up could be like a really priceless thing because I think so many people grow up with a really skewed relationship with exercise.

And that's why a lot of adults do grow up to have a poor relationship with exercise. But when they see their mum and/or their dad consistently working out around them, strength training, lifting up weights dumbbells, kettlebells, barbells, putting it back down and, you know, really pushing themselves in their workouts, they're going to grow up and think, "Oh, that's just what people do. That's normal. Actually, I would like to quite try that with you." So there's going-- they're

Handling Food Pushers

going to grow up with a very different relationship with it, and I also think that's something to bear in mind. Question number four, my family keeps offering me food when they know I'm dieting. What should I do? This is like… I feel like so many people go through this, right? I was gonna say if you're Portug- if you've got a Portuguese background, I'm sure you can relate.

Grandma's always offering food. Actually, I'm sure this is a lot of cultures, to be honest. First of all, I think it's important to remember in situations like this, even though it can feel quite frustrating because you have fitness goals and you are still always getting offered food, often many of which aren't going to be in line with your fitness goals. Remember that offering food is probably their w- not even probably, it's likely their way of showing you that they care.

So know it's coming from a place of love, and I think when you remind yourself, "Oh, this is coming from a place of love," I think It's easier to digest. Like, you don't feel as annoyed about it. Like, okay, it can be a bit frustrating from one perspective, but then you also remember, yeah, it's coming from a, a place of love, so it's a bit easier, I guess, to process and move forward with.

I think in these situations, but what can you do really? I think keep it simple. Like, say, "It look… That looks amazing. I think that looks really good, but right now, at this very moment in time, I'm okay. I'm full. I'm going to have some later. I promise you I'm gonna have some later." Because I know some people get offended if you don't eat their food, so just say, "I'm gonna have some later," or like, I'll have some to take away.

Let's put some in a container and I'm gonna have it for later, please, because right now I just can't have any more food." Just say something like that, and I think sometimes you just have to put those boundaries in place as well. I do think there is a scenario of, like, okay, does it keep happening though? Because when it keeps happening you can only keep saying those same things so many times.

I think that's when it does get to the point where you have to like, you know, just ask them privately, "Hey I am trying to do this thing. Can you please understand where I'm coming from? Please, help me out here. When you keep offering me food it's kinda working against me, especially these types of foods. If you wanna help me, then maybe offer me X, Y, Z type of food." And, you know, that, that can help, and maybe they'll appreciate not only being able to offer you food still, but offering you food that's in line with your goals because then they maybe feel good about it because now they're helping you, and they're still offering you things that makes them feel like they're

Takeaway Nights And Progress

showing their appreciation to you. Question number five: We order takeaway together every weekend. Can I still make progress? Yeah, because ultimately it's going to matter as to what's going on in your week as a whole. Does the week as a whole… Is it, are you mostly… Okay, let's say… The thing is, can I still make progress? I would be quite interested to know what progress looks like in this situation.

Is it muscle gain? Is it fat loss? Is it just to get stronger? What… Is it just to get generally fitter? Like, the, the goal is going to impact what I say, but let's assume it's going to be fat loss. Ultimately are you in a calorie deficit for the rest of the week? If yes, then it's not likely going to make a difference that takeaway, especially if it's just a meal.

You've been in a calorie deficit the entire week. The only way you can genuinely get yourself out that deficit is if you go absurdly overboard with that takeaway Because like, yeah, to be honest, one or two d-- two days of overeating can definitely take you out of a calorie deficit for most of the week. But I'm trying to think like one meal, probably not, especially if it's just like genuinely just a meal and you have actually been consistent that week.

I think it's also important to pick something that, of course, you enjoy, but like choose a portion that suits you. Like for example, when I say this, it's like you don't have to get the large. Like, I promise you, if you're on a weight loss journey and you're ordering takeaway, you don't have to get the large. Genuinely, like it's not gonna be the end of the world.

Like you can get the small or you can get the medium. If you wanna get the large, get the large, but you're the one asking me like, "How can I still do this and make progress," right? So in this situation, I'm gonna say "Okay, can you still make progress and get the large?" Yeah. Yeah, you can. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I'm just saying like if you wanna make this easier, maybe let's get the smaller portion, right?

We're not saying you have to-- you, you don't have-- you can't get it at all, but maybe the medium. The small might be pushing it depending on the person, as I know some people really like food and they like their takeaway. But yeah, like it's not gonna be the end of the world if you don't get large. Maybe just get medium. Things like this. But yeah, what I wanna say with that is you can still make progress.

You just, have to be, A, mindful of how is your entire week going as a whole, and then B, you know, maybe can you still make sensible choices as you're ordering the takeaway. Something to think about. Question number six. So we have question six, seven, eight, nine, and ten.

Motivation Without A Crew

Five questions still. Wow, I'm just halfway through. "How do I stay motivated when nobody around me exercises?" I'm trying to think how to approach this. A part of me just thinks like you're doing this for yourself at the end of the day. You can't rely on other people. If you try and rely on other people, you're going to be disappointed. Like that's-- it reminds me of like when people only go to the gym when they have a workout buddy, which I get, because maybe you're someone who doesn't really going to the gym, but having a workout buddy means that you're more likely to be consistent.

But at the end of the day, if that also means that you're only going to go when your workout buddy goes, then it's not a good idea. Like you're not pro- you're probably not gonna make long-term workout progress because that just means every time your buddy flakes, and we don't know how consistent or inconsistent they are, you're not gonna go as well. So you're already setting yourself up just to not be in this in the long game.

So that's what I'm thinking as well, like you have to be in this for yourself. Like you can't be in it for other people. But on the other hand, I do get some people do need that community aspect, so there's a few things that I'm thinking about. First of all, like choose an activity that you genuinely enjoy. Is it strength training? Is it Pilates? Is it rock climbing?

Trampolining, surfing, I don't know. There's so many physical forms of-- different forms of exercise that you could do that you could consider that could still help you make progress. I think also getting it in a recurring weekly slot can help because then you know, like, that time is a non-negotiable for you. Like every Monday and Wednesday evening, I don't do anything else because I have my Brazilian jujitsu class at that time, and I'm gonna go.

So you're already making it a bit more of a non-negotiable because you just have it scheduled in your calendar. Which brings me nicely onto my next point is seek out a community within what you're trying to do. So, okay, the people around you don't really like exercise it-- exercising, whether it's your family or friends, then maybe seek out a community. I, for example, I do Brazilian jujitsu as well, and I really like the community there.

It helps me stay more consistent. Like, if I was just doing that by myself, I'm sure there would be times where I genuinely enjoy it, and having that one-to-one attention is nice. And to be fair, there has been the odd class where I have been the only one that's attended, and it's nice because you get that one-to-one. But I think if it was always like that, it-- I'd probably find it a bit much.

And having that entire community with you is great. It makes you want to keep going because you're also seeing other people improve, which means you want to improve.

Eating Better When You Dont Cook

So there's so many ways you can take this. I think those are just some things to consider. Question number seven: I'm trying to eat better, but I'm not the person who cooks at home. What can I do? Very good question as well. I think this is probably one of the most common questions I hear when it comes to this theme, more or less. I think, first of all, okay, what can you change?

Let's look at that first. Breakfast, lunch, snacks, what you had at dinner. Like, is there something you have more control over? Maybe start with that. Okay, at home whoever cooks the meals cooks dinner, but you can still have control over breakfast and lunch throughout the day and snacks. That's something we can still go for. So let's start with that, right? I'm also thinking where my mind goes as well is maybe offer to pick up ingredients.

So instead of saying, "Oh instead of using maybe this oil, can we use Frylight," for example. So, like, actually proactively offer to seek out different ingredients for… again, the Frylight example was for example, fat loss, but that can apply to any way. Like, you can offer to swap out ingredients, maybe lower fat mince meat that is more in line with your goals instead of chicken thigh or chicken breast.

Be more proactive with it. That could be something you consider because maybe they'll appreciate that more. I think that's something to consider as well. Also- Maybe offer to cook. Can you offer to cook? Some people would laugh and, like, the thing is, I know some people in that situation would be like, "Yeah, I'd offer to cook, but they'd laugh me out the kitchen." I feel like there's only so many things you can say in this situation as well.

I think what I have said is… are some good suggestions that do come to mind. So I think, meh, consider that. Offer to pick up ingredients or different ingredients, sauces, spreads, whatever it might be. Stay focused on what you can actually control and and yeah, offer to cook. They might appreciate that on the other hand. They might, "Oh, I never thought you'd offer." Yeah, why not? Oh yeah, and you know what?

Before I go on to the next point, one thing I did think of that just came to mind is that maybe ask for a specific change. Like, have you actually asked them? Sometimes we do all these things and we're-- it's okay, but have you actually asked or have you spoken to the person that does cook these meals first?

When Fitness Feels Obsessive

That goes for a lot of things in life. Like, sometimes we just overthink things where all we had to do was have a conversation. Question number eight: My partner says I'm becoming obsessed with fitness. How do I know if they have a point? This is very fair. This is a very fair question, and I think we could speak about it more. I think first of all you don't wanna immediately shut it down and just be like, "Ha, I'm better than you." I'm looking after my health and fitness, and you're not." Like, do you know what?

Ask what they've noticed and listen. Genuinely listen for specific examples. Like, where are they coming from? 'Cause they might have some very valid points. At first, be- because, like, maybe at first you thought "What are you talking about?" But then when you hear them out, you're like, "Oh, you know what? I didn't realize that." And then it helps you change, right? Which is only a good thing.

Everyone wins in that scenario. I think what could also be worth paying attention to is when, let's say, h-how do you react when you miss a workout or plans change? Like, if you react in a way that's "Oh," like really frustrated and feel really guilty, and you beat yourself up for not going, like that could be a bit of a red flag, where it's like, okay, you've been super consistent.

You know, missing one workout, it's not the end of the world. I get if you've been inconsistent for a while now, and you've been meaning to get back in, that can be a bit frustrating. But if you've been very consistent, and I'm guessing you have because that's where this question is probably coming from, like your partner thinks you're getting a bit too obsessed, if that's the word they used, with fitness, then, like it's just one workout.

You're going to be fine. It's not the end of the world. Th-these like last minute changes in your plans rarely happen. It's okay. Do what you have to do. You can get back onto it tomorrow. Like, you know, that could be worth paying attention to. Like you shouldn't feel that level of guilt. I do think as well it could be worth paying attention to the fact if you do feel like you training as regularly as you are right now forces you to do a lot of things that you don't value, that could be something to think about too.

Because of course, the thing is health and fitness is very important. I wouldn't do what I do if if I, if it wasn't right. But sometimes there is more to life. Sometimes there is more to life, but I'm not gonna… Like, it, it's about finding that right balance. Like I said initially initially, you could ask your partner what is it that-- where do they feel like they're coming from?

And again, the thing about that is you could hear them out, and if by the end of it you don't even agree with them, you could just say that. Obviously, maybe in a more constructive way, like you don't wanna start butting heads, but, like, just hear them out first and see what they have to say. And I think that's the most important thing I can say from this because depending on what they say, well, then could influence the-- what I would say here in like maybe a thousand different ways, right?

Balancing Workouts And Plans

So it's quite hard to give a specific example. Question number nine, so the second to last question: I keep skipping workouts because friends or family make last minute plans. How do I find balance? Hmm. I keep skipping workouts because friends are phoning me, make last-minute plans. How do I find balance? I feel like this is going to link to the last one a tad. What I will say, and I kind of said this earlier in the podcast episode, is put your workout sessions in your calendar as a non-negotiable.

So when you are So when you're like-- when these people are making plans, like if you see… No, actually I've got like… Let's say you're doing a personal training session and it's Wednesday afternoon. You just say, "No, I can't. I've got like genuinely this planned." Because the thing is, when you have it planned in your calendar at a specific time on a specific day, you are a, a lot more likely to follow up with it.

You're a lot more likely to be consistent with it because you can see it's more of a non-negotiable. I think it's easier to cancel on, for example, your own workouts when it's a bit more like on the fly, willy-nilly. You're just like kinda go when you have time, kinda go when you just feel like it. "Oh, I could go today. Why not?" I think when it is when it's genuinely as part of your routine, you're more likely to be consistent with it, and I think that's something if you are not doing already, then start doing it because you're going to start being more consistent.

I also think this is one of those things where you have to like kind of decide it case by case whether, It's tough because like what are the plans? How frequently are they happening? You are saying, okay, you keep skipping workouts, and if you keep skipping workouts, then that tells me then, you know, maybe some days there's… it's okay to miss maybe one social event. Like you've been quite inconsistent with your workouts recently.

Like don't you think it's time to maybe s-turn up and do a workout this time? Like that's where my mind goes. Like there's so many… I think it is one of those things where you're just going to have to take it case by case. You could consider doing a s- a shorter session as well. Like I said earlier, it doesn't have to be an hour, it could be 30 minutes.

But then there's also the question of, okay, but how… Like I, I also do wanna make my health and fitness a priority, right? Because I really do wanna improve my health because I feel like I haven't been looking after it for a long time. So there are things like that. Like I said, I think you're just gonna have to take it on a case-by-case basis and decide are you taking the piss a bit with missing so many or is it okay because

Helping Loved Ones Get Healthier

you don't really miss many workouts? Yeah. Question number 10, final question. How can I encourage someone I love to get healthier without making them feel judged? This is a tough one. I hear this a lot as well because a lot of people do think about this, and I'm gonna be honest, I've been in this position in my life too. I think, first of all You don't need to be like, "You're fat," or, "You're out of shape," or, "You're, or you're killing yourself." Like, you don't need to be so blunt or rude or But because the thing is, it doesn't feel good when you hear that.

And one thing I promise you more than anything, that person already knows. That person already knows they don't look after themselves. That person already knows that… That person might not like… And again, I'm reaching for specific examples here. I'm not saying this is everyone. I am saying that this is definitely happening to at least some. Like, that person already doesn't like the way they look in the mirror.

That person already doesn't like the way they look in pictures, and you just being like forward with them, it often doesn't help. Of course, it depends on how you deliver it as well, but I think a lot of people aren't-- I'm not saying everyone, but I feel like a lot of people aren't very good at delivering it because again, they're just like, "Oh, like you, you're not looking after yourself.

What are you doing? Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." It's like, no, I already know. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is not approach it from a place of, you might not feel like you're being shameful, but I promise you probably are more than you might be if you're not careful. And shame, it's been scientifically proven that it doesn't work for most people.

It actually makes it worse. I think just lead by example. Show them, like, just be that person in their life that works out consistently. Be that person in their life that eats quite well. Be that person in their life that just goes on a walk. Invite them to join you, and if they say no, just be like, "Okay You might find after a while of use, of them seeing you do it, they might be more inclined to join in because they're like, "Oh, you know what?

They are doing the right thing. I probably should join them. And you know, they've never made me feel bad for not doing it. I'm gonna do it. Why not? I'm gonna join them today. I'm gonna join them on their 15, 20-minute walk. I'm gonna do that 30-minute workout with them. I don't know what I'm really doing, but I'm just gonna follow their lead." Just things like that. I think sometimes just hear them out, have a conversation as well.

Like, don't mention it, but you could hear-- just hear them out. What do they like to do? Do they wanna… Just say you've been thinking of starting some sort of, physical activity. Do they like doing something? Maybe we could do it together. You know, that social aspect always helps. It helps people with being consistent, maybe them and yourself. But yeah, I think those low-pressure invitations can be a game changer for a lot of people.

Like, "Do you wanna go for a walk after dinner?" Like I said, I think that can be really good. And if, like I said, if they say no, just accept it. Life goes on. Enjoy the time that you have now together and then again, go for that walk by yourself after. I do think you have to accept, though, sometimes there's only so much you can do as well.

Like, at the end of the day, that person genuinely has to want to help themselves. Because I promise you, if you keep trying to put it on them, it's, A, not going to help, but it's going to make it worse. They're probably going to resent you a bit because y- they keep feeling like you're forcing this thing on them, even though y- they know you're right. So like I said, some people just aren't in a moment of their life

Wrap Up And Subscribe

where they're willing to do it, for whatever reason it might be. Otherwise, that is it for today's podcast episode. I do hope you enjoyed it. If you haven't yet, then do subscribe whether it's YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, please do subscribe to the platform. I appreciate that deeply. It helps massively. Otherwise, take care, and I'll see you in the next episode.

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